New beginnings

This summer, my great-uncle passed away.

Now, under normal circumstances, that might not be the best of ways to start off a whole new blog, but give me a moment to explain how it's relevant to this new project.

My grandmother came out for the funeral, and a few days later we were at her sister's house in Lehi, sitting on the back porch, and somehow the topic came up of my mission emails - one in particular.

Now, I'm not a believer in coincidence - to a certain extent, everything happens for a reason, and sometimes it's God's way of telling you to pay attention. This was one of those moments.

I'd just wrapped up a Spanish composition class where I actually wrote about the events I shared in that email, and my professor loved it. By the end of the semester we'd had several good talks about my life, my plans, and writing in particular, which several times ended with her telling me I need to keep writing.

My grandma said the same thing.

On and off, I've tried to, failed, and tried again to get into a good writing habit. This is another attempt at such, and I hope it will be different, for a few reasons.

I've given some thought as to why I've been so bad at consistent writing, and the honest answer is that I know that if I write, it will end up being really personal, and I really haven't been in a position to share personal details for several years - or so I've been telling myself. I'm not a perfect judge, but over the course of my posting, I hope I can paint an honest picture of what I've been through and how it's shaped me. About the only thing I'm really sure of is that I've been prompted to write several times, which isn't a coincidence.

To an extent, I chalked it up to my efforts to be humble as well. I'm not the kind of person to revel in the limelight, and public attention isn't something I've ever sought after. If anything, I've tried to avoid it.

And yet, somewhere along the line in that conversation with my grandma, we talked about humility, and what it really means. To be perfectly honest, I don't remember much about what was said, but I remember what it made me think.

In practical terms, we tend to think of humility as being the kind of person to not take center stage and avoid drawing attention to oneself, let other people take credit, and to tend to refuse to accept compliments. I know for a long time, I did.

But that's not humility. I'm not even sure what you could call that.

According to The Guide to the Scriptures, humility is

To make meek and teachable, or the condition of being meek and teachable. Humility includes recognizing our dependence upon God and desiring to submit to his will.

In other words, humility consists of reaching or desiring to reach a state of teachability and obedience.

The Online Etymology Dictionary says (emphasis added),

humble (v.)
late 14c., "render oneself humble" (intrans.), also "to bend, kneel or bow;" late 15c. "lower (someone) in dignity" (trans.); see humble (adj.). Related: Humbled; humbling. 

humble (adj.)
late 13c., of persons, "submissive, respectful, lowly in manner, modest, not self-asserting, obedient," from Old French humble, umble, earlier umele, from Latin humilis "lowly, humble," literally "on the ground," from humus "earth," from PIE root *dhghem- "earth" (see chthonic. From late 14c., of things, "lowly in kind, state, condition, or amount," also "of low birth or rank." Related: Humbly.

Humility is a relational verb - you can't be humble in a vacuum. For one to be low, another must be high; and for one to obey, there must be one to command.

Looking at it from that perspective, the example in Alma 24:21 seems emblematic of that ideal (my emphasis added):

21 Now when the people saw that they were coming against them they went out to meet them, and prostrated themselves before them to the earth, and began to call on the name of the Lord; and thus they were in this attitude when the Lamanites began to fall upon them, and began to slay them with the sword.

Understanding it as "lowly in manner" we come to understand better what Matthew 11:28-30 says, "for I am meek and lowly in heart" - Christ truly was submissive to the Father in all things. He was not self-asserting; his self - his desires, wants, and wishes - were swallowed up in the desires of the Father.

In that sense, humility represents a key part of repentance - the turning of the heart from sin, and a key part of the atonement - the unifying of our wills with God's (the at-one-ment of our desires). Humility represents one of the clearest and purest evidences of the workings of God in our own lives.

Realizing all of this, I've come to understand that my unwillingness to write out of an effort to be humble has wound up being an ironic case of pride in myself. The particular experience I had in that email home, and in that introductory paper, coincidentally enough, was the most blatant and awkward moment of public attention I've ever had, and came in a moment and as an answer I hadn't expected. While I'm somewhat hesitant to share it, this is that original letter:

Hola todos!
Primero que nada, pido disculpas a los que no hablan inglés...mis cartas a casa, obviamente, estarán en inglés siempre, pero no les voy a dejar solos jaja. De vez en cuando tendré unas cuantas cosas para ustedes especificamente. 

Originally, I had not wanted to share this experience with everyone, but I feel that I should.
We had changes, and Elder Bench and I stayed together. I had a very unique experience today that helped me feel a whole lot better than I have of late. (Please, don't share this except with close family) 

The past few weeks I've felt like I've been in a rut, and didn't really know how to get myself out, so I've been pressing along and trying to do the best I know how...as always. What I want to share with you is the experience of how I got my answer to all of my doubts. 

Anyway, today before change conference, there was a homeless person who was sitting outside of the chapel where we meet up for conference, and he was in really bad shape. I mean, I've seen homeless people in El Castillo, and I'm saying he was in bad shape. 

Imagine what looks and smells like a moving trash heap standing outside of the chapel, covered in a thick wool blanket in the 80-degree Santiago heat and smelling for all the world like dead animal with a bottle of vinegar poured over it, with uncut hair and random dead leaves and twigs in that hair. That's what I saw walking down the sidewalk, barefoot, and limping. 

I went over and talked to him a bit. He told me his name was Juan Carlos...and that he felt really, really cold. We talked for a little, but he didn't say much, and what he did say was pretty nonsensical...like incomplete sentences and such. I offered him a pamphlet of the Restoration, and he told me "No leer...yo no leer." Which would be like saying "No read...I no read." I told him I'd get in touch with the missionaries that worked there so they could help him, and he took it the pamphlet. I bore my testimony, and from there, I left to the conference.

He came into the back of the room, and President Laycock invited him to come sit up front for the conference. Another Elder helped him come up, still limping and smelling horrible.

President talked about service and the importance of loving and serving all, and read a few scriptures. Then he read Matthew 25:40, which talks about the final judgment and the words of the wicked and the righteous to Christ:“inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me”.

Then he asked this man to come up and help him read something. He stood up, took off his disguise, and proceeded to read the following (Matthew 25: 34-40):

Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, 

Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: 

For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: 

I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink. I was a stranger, and ye took me in: 

Naked, and ye clothed me: 

I was sick, and ye visited me: 

I was in prison, and ye came unto me. 

Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, 

Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? 

or thirsty, and gave thee drink? 

When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? 

or naked, and clothed thee? 

Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee? 

And the King shall answer and say unto them, 

Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.

And then, in front of the entire mission, he said that I had been the only missionary who had talked to him, out of all of the ones who had walked by.

Well, you can pretty well imagine that I was floored, but it answered my question as to whether or not I was in a rut, about as directly as you can hope to get an answer haha.

I want to bear my testimony to all of you: if you have problems, trials, difficulties, questions, doubts, or whatever you may have, look around and see who you can lift up, because I guarantee you're not the one who's farthest down a dark hole with no way out. There is something you can do for someone around you. Do what you can to help them, even if you don't know how it's going to be received. Do every good thing you can, and you will see, somewhere down the line, the miracles that come.

I'd been telling myself for weeks now that I wasn't doing my best and there was so much more I needed to do, and that everything was wrong. God took the time to pretty straightforwardly tell me that I was dead wrong, so now I turn to tell you all the same thing: if you think you're bad off, quit complaing and get to work! Someone out there will show you you're wrong, and what you're really capable of.

Doubt not. Look to the light.
Elder Mark David Hansen

Have you ever chosen not to reach out and help someone because you thought someone else would be watching, and judge you? Have you ever chosen not to share a talent simply because it made you uncomfortable to do so? As saints and followers of Christ, we are commanded to share our blessings and help others along their way - this could be through a hug, a song, a pie, or even taking the time to simply sit and talk with them. The choice is ours.

Look to God in every thought, and though the path may not always be clear, it will be sure. We know that all things work together for the good of them that love God, not just some, most, or only the things that happen to be good. Even the bad, ugly, and downright awful will work together for your good. Trust in the promises given, and don't hesitate. Go and do.